Mannerisms Of A Fifteen Year Old Boy
by Britt Marieee
Summary: His quivering lip means he's about at his breaking point.  This living hell is crushing him. Controlling him. Destroying him.
1. Chapter 1

_**Door Slam**_

I try to block out the sound of their voices. But I can't. It's too hard.

Eli's voice is harsh. His words carry venom and hatred. I long line of swear words echo from the front porch into the living room, where I am currently sitting. I look down at my sheet of math facts. Numbers float around the page. Mocking me, teasing me. It's hard to decipher numbers when your dyslexic. It's even harder when all you can hear is the fight that's going on between your brother and his girlfriend.

Another long line a swear words fall from my brothers mouth. Julia's voice is strained. She apologizes for the hundredth time. Eli tells her to leave. Julia apologizes. A hundred and one times, and counting.

I wish my parents were home right now. I wish they weren't at dinner with their friends. I wish they weren't having fun. I wish they were sitting here with me. Praying to the God, that they don't believe in, that Eli will not do anything to harm Julia, physically that is.

He tells her that he hates her and never wants to see her _fucking face_ again. Eli will regret his choice of words in the morning, I know he will. She might have cheated on him. But he still loves her. He always will.

I hear Eli slam the front door shut.

_Door Slam_. That means Eli is pissed, he doesn't want to talk to anyone. So I pretend to be busy with my homework. He walks down the hall and into his room. He slams his bedroom door shut. _Another Door Slam_. He's really pissed.

_**Quivering Lip**_

The next morning I woke up to an empty house.

I checked my parent's room, they weren't there. I know they came home last night, they checked in on me to make sure I was sleeping. I pretended to sleep, for their sake. But now, why weren't they home?

I turned Eli's bedroom door knob and opened it carefully. He didn't like people in his room, but I didn't know if he was home or not. I had to check. He wasn't home. His room was a wreak . Clothes, books and CDs littered the floor. His bed wasn't made. Which was strange. Don't get me wrong, Eli was as messy as the next teenage boy. But when it came to his bed he was kind OCD about it. He _always_ made his bed. Always.

I walked out of his room and down the hallway, into the kitchen. I spotted a green Post-it note stuck to the kitchen counter. I picked it up and read the chicken scratch handwriting.

**Julia is in the hospital. Call me when you wake up.**

_**Dad**_

I read the small note over and over and over again. I hoped that my dyslexia was confusing me. I hoped that what I thought I was reading wasn't actually what was written.

There was only one way to find out. I picked up the house phone and dialed my father's cell phone number. It rang twice before a tired voice answered. It didn't sound like my dad. The quick witted, smart-ass voice that I have came to love was replaced with a voice that held sophistication and worry.

"Dad. What going on?" I whisper into the phone. I can hear mumbling from the other side of the phone. I push the plastic object closer to my ear, trying to hear what they are saying.

"Julia was hit by a car last night. The doctor's don't think she's going to make it." He said.

I suck in a quick breathe. The note wasn't lying.

"How's Eli?" I question. Memories from last night flood my brain. His yelling. Her pleading. It all seems like so long ago.

"Elijah's holding up." He tells me. "Do you want me to come get you and bring you over?"

I'm quiet for a moment. I don't know if I want to go. I hate hospitals. But I need to be with Eli. Even if he doesn't want me there.

"Anastasia?" My dad asks. "Do you want me to come get you?" he repeats.

"Yes."

The hospital is white. White walls. White chairs. White tables. White uniforms. White faces. Eli's being the whitest of them all.

He looks almost dead. Like there is no soul left in his skinny body. Just a hollow shell. I feel like I should hug him, comfort him, tell him that everything will be alright. But I don't want him to crumble. Hollow shells are fragile.

I sit next to him in the white chair. I ask him how he is. His bottom lip quivers.

_Quivering Lip._

His quivering lip means he's about at his breaking point. This living hell is crushing him. Controlling him. Destroying him.

I hug him. The hollow shell in my arms crumbles. The white room is filled with sounds of a sobbing fifteen year old boy.

_**Silence**_

Julia died an hour after I arrived. Eli sat emotionless in the chair. He hadn't moved since the doctor came into the waiting room and told them the news.

Julia's family hugged one another and cried. My family and I sat awkwardly.

The car ride home was silent. No one talked. No one had anything to say. Mom made us dinner. Spaghetti and meatballs. No one talked. No one had anything to say. The only thing I heard was forks hitting the bottom of plates. Every one was focused on the food sitting in front of them. Everyone but Eli. He didn't touch his food. He starred at the glass of water in his hands. His mind was somewhere else. His hollow shell refusing to say a word, eat a piece of food, or make eye contact with anyone.

I want to hear his voice. Even if it just one little word. I want to know that he is still capable of speaking. Of communicating. But he just sits there. Eye focusing on the glass of water, body stiff and guarded.

_Silence._

He wants to be alone. That's why he's not talking. He doesn't want to be sitting at the table. He wants to be in his room. Alone. Curled up in a ball on his bed.

He puts down the cup on the table. Not saying a word He walked down the hall and into his room. He shut the door.

_**Empty Plate**_

It's been a week since Julia died. Eli hasn't said anything to anyone. He barely leaves his room. He never leaves his room. Mom is becoming worried. She afraid me might try to kill himself. Dad reminds her that Eli is a smart boy. He will not do anything like that. He's just going though a hard time. Mom thanks him and tells him that he is right. Eli wont do anything to hurt himself. I wish I was as easy to convince as my mom.

Eli hasn't eaten lately. Mom makes him food and leaves it by his door everyday. But it's always in the same place when we wake up the next morning.. He needs to eat. If not,will die. But maybe that's what he wants.

I decide to take matters into my own hands. I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Peanut Butter on one piece of bread and Jelly on the other. Put them together and then cut it down the middle, then peal off the crust. That's the way Eli taught me to make it. I put the plate in front of his door and walk to my room.

Looking in the mirror I see a girl. But she doesn't look like me. Her dirty blonde and green eyes resemble the ones I have. But her face is different. It looks tired and scared. That's not me. I don't look like that.

I lift my hand up to my face and rub my cheek. The girl in the mirror does the same.

It is me.

I go to bed and try to sleep. I can't. I look at the dark wall across from my bed. On the other side of the wall, Eli is laying on his bed, probably not sleeping either. I think of the scared looking girl in the mirror. I'm scared. But what am I scared of? I think and think. I wonder and question until I figure out why the girl in the mirror looked the way she did. I'm afraid Eli is going to die. I'm afraid he is going to take is own life. I'm worried just like my mother. But I won't believe anyone when they tell me he would never do anything to hurt himself. I won't believe it when someone tells me he's to smart to do something like that. Eli loves Julia. He will do anything to be with her. I know he will.

I get out of bed and walk across my room. I sit next to the wall and place the ear on it. I don't know what I am listening for.

Movement?

A voice?

A heart beat?

I just need a sign. A sign that tells me Eli is alive.

I walk out of my room next morning, trying to look like got some sleep last night. The truth is I didn't.

I stop in front of Eli's room. An empty plate sat in front of his door. I bend down and pick it up. A small smile spreads on my face.

_Empty Plate_

He is alive.

_**Wide Eyed**_

Eli hasn't gone to school in two weeks. I don't know why my mom and dad aren't forcing him to go. I would if I could.

I walked home today from school. My parents hate when I walk instead of taking the bus. I'm 13. I think I can handle walking two miles.

I opened the door and walked into the house. I tossed my back pack on the couch and entered the kitchen. I turned on the light and gasped at what I saw.

Eli sat against the refrigerator. A beer in his hand. Seven or eight empty bottles of beer surrounded him. My eyes met his. His eyes widened when he saw me.

_Wide Eyed._

He didn't mean for this to happen. He didn't mean for me to see him like this. He didn't want me to see him like this. That's what his eyes said.

He tried to stand up, but he fell onto the ground. He fell on to the beer bottles, crushing them. A line a swear words fell from his tongue. For a brief moment I listened. I haven't heard his voice since the day before Julia died.

He had glass sticking out of his hand. His eyes were wet. But Eli didn't cry. I walked over to him and helped him up. I wrapped my arm around his waist and carried him to the bathroom. I set him down on the toilet lid. I opened the medicine cabinet and took out bandages, antibacterial cream and tweezers. I sat down on the floor in front of him and began to remove the glass in his hand.

"I'm sorry." His words were slurred.

"About what?" I asked. It was strange. I haven't heard my own voice almost as long as I haven't heard his.

"Everything." He said. I didn't know what "everything" is. I don't think Eli does either.

I nod my head and continue to work on his hand. I pick out the glass and place them in the garbage can.

I look over his hand before I put on the bandage, making sure I took out all the shards. I rub some cream over his hand and then wrap it in the bandage. The bleeding isn't bad, but there is some. I don't know if I should call 911. I decide against it. I'll wait until mom and dad come home and tell them.

Eli stood up from the toilet and walked out of the bathroom. Before he walked into his room and looked at me.

"Thank you." He slurred.

_**Sharing**_

I'm sick. Mom thinks in food poisoning. I stayed home from school today. Mom didn't think it was a good idea for me to go if I'm not feeling good. So now I'm laying on the living room couch watching TV, wrapped in a warm wool blanket. Canada has really cold winters. I look outside and see white. It's snowing hard.

Eli is at school. My parents forced him to go a month after Julia died. It's been three months since the day. Eli refuses to see a therapist. He says there I no need. I think he should. But I don't have a voice in that decision.

I hear the front door open. Mom said she would probably drop by to check on me. But instead seeing my mom I see Eli.

"What are you doing home?" I ask. He should be here. He's skipping. He shouldn't be skipping. He's so far behind in his school work as it is.

Eli took off his heavy black coat and hung it up on the coat rack. He slipped off his boots and gloves and tossed them off to the side.

"Calm down Anastasia. I have back to back study hall. Mom won't care that I'm home." Eli said and he walked into the living room. He sat down on the couch next to me. I sat up, my shoulder rest against his. He pulled the blanket that was covering me, over his legs. The two of us sat on the couch, watching a horrible made for TV movie, and sharing a blanket.

_Sharing_

We haven't shared a blanket since I was five. It was thundering and lighting outside that night. I was terrified. I sat in the corner of my room, curled in a ball. Eli was sent by my dad tocheck on me.

When he saw me he pulled a blanket off of my bed and sat down on the floor next to me. He wrapped us in the blanket. I was surprised that he had done that. He usually ignored me, mostly when we were outside playing. It wasn't cool for eight year old to hang out with the five year old sisters. That night he sat next to me and told me that everything was going to be okay. That the thunder and the lighting wouldn't hurt me because he was there with me.

Even though Eli was going thought a hard time. He wanted to know that was still here for me. That's why we were sharing a blanket.

_**Smile**_

The summer after Julia's death was long. It was hard for Eli. Julia's 16th birthday pasted. We went to her grave for the first time. Eli cried. That was the first time I saw him cry since the hospital.

On Eli's 16th birthday, dad, Eli and I went looking for a car. Eli ended up buying a vintage hearse. Morty, that's what he named him. It pretty cool, in a freaky way.

Eli started a new school this week. Mom and dad thought it would be a good idea. A fresh start. Eli wasn't happy about it. But he went.

I was doing English homework on the table when Eli walked into the kitchen. He was skimming threw the mail. Muttering "Junk, Dad, Mom, Junk, Bill." He set the pile of mail on the counter and looked at me.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey." He said back.

"How was school?" I questioned.

"School was okay. What about you?" He answered.

"It was okay. My dyslexia was getting annoying, but I made it though the day." I said.

Eli's eyes showed sympathy. He knew how much I hated my learning disability. He saw one of my melt downs before. I'd get so frustrated with the floating letters and numbers that I would just break down crying. I tried not to have them in front of people. But sometimes I just couldn't help it.

"I have an English partner now. We have to edit each other's work." Eli said, thankfully changing the topic.

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Her name is Clare." Eli said. And for the first time in 10 months. Eli smiled.

_Smile_

Eli liked Clare. I could tell.

**I don't know how bad this is. But I'm hoping it's not that bad. It was just something that was floating around in my head. Please review and tell me what you think.**

**Oh and OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In case you don't know (: **


	2. Chapter 2

_**Bloody Lip**_

Bullies have always been an issue for Eli. When he was younger there was this kid, Mike. He used to call Eli names.

_Loser _

_Weirdo_

_Freak_

Those where some of the favorites. Mike never physically hurt him. But he still got on Eli's nerves.

Now me, being an ignorant 6 year old a the time, had no idea what was going on inside the twisted mind of my 9 year old brother. I didn't know that when he spent the night lock up in his room, claiming he was tired, he was actually planning revenge. I didn't know that when he asked me to help him collect worms from our backyard for a "science project", I was actually helping him in his quest for revenge.

A few days after Eli asked me to help him collect worms, rumors started spreading around my innocent elementary school. I heard bits and pieces of the rumor as girls whispered into each others ears. When it was my turn to know the rumor Sammy, the girl who sat next to me whispered into my ear

_Some 4__th__ grade boy had worms in his sandwich. He ate it and threw up all over Kim Foster. _

And me, being the ignorant 6 year old, laughed and whispered the same into the ear of the girl who sat next to me.

I didn't know Eli had anything to do with the mishap that went on during 4th grade lunch, until I got home. Dad had picked me up that day, which was strange because my mom always picked me up from school. I asked my dad why my mother didn't pick me up and he said it was because she was having a long talk with my brother.

When my father and I walked into our house, I heard my mom yelling.

"_Why would you do something like that Elijah! Worms? Michal could have some sort of disease!"_

"_He makes fun of me, mommy." Eli mumbled hopelessly._

"_You should have told someone then! Don't fight fire with fire."_

I gasped when I heard the conversation. My hands shot up into my mouth.

What happened in the lunch room today was all my brothers fault. And I helped him.

Now I should have seen the warning signs that Eli was having trouble with a bully again. He always seemed paranoid. Like someone was going to come out of no where and hurt him.

I didn't know much about Mark Fitzgerald. I knew his neighbor, Tiffany; she said he was a troubled kid. His parents had him at a young, they didn't stay together and now he lived in a small apartment with his mother.

I found out from Adam what he had done to Eli, Clare and him. He threw Adam into a glass door, ripped off Morty's hood ornament, and threatened the three of them more than once. I knew Eli was going to get revenge. He was never one to put up with a bully.

I moment Eli walked into the house with a bloody lip, I knew what happened.

_Bloody Lip_

Eli has fought fire with fire. Once again.

_**Thumb Tap**_

I hop off of the brink wall that's located outside of my middle school when I see Morty pull up to the sidewall. I ignore the questioning glances that my peer's shoot me as I walk towards my brother's hearse. I hate when people look at me; I don't like being the center on attention; it freaks me out.

I open the passenger side door of Morty and slide onto the leather bench, and then shut the door behind me. Dead Hand plays from Eli's radio. The music isn't as loud as usual.

He checks his review mirror before pulling back into the road. He drives without looking at me, without asking me about my day. Eli's silent, which scares me. He hasn't been this quiet in a long time. Since he's started going to Degrassi, old Eli returned. He makes sarcastic remarks like he used to. When he's playing video games with Adam, he laughs like he used to. He is Eli again. But as we sat here in complete silence, a feeling of nervousness washed over me. Was he falling back into his depression? Was he becoming that alcohol dependent person again? No. He wasn't. He promised me he would never again become that. But here we sat, not speaking. Like the ride home from the hospital, when Julia died.

"You okay?" I break the silence.

Eli runs his hand through his hair before bringing his hand back down to the steering wheel.

"I kissed her today." He states.

"Who?' I ask.

"Clare." Eli says as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Dawes gave us the whole English class today to work on our projects. Adam, Clare and I went to that park near Degrassi. And we kissed. Clare and I."

His right thumb begins to tap the steering wheel when he finishes speaking.

_Thumb tap._

He's thinking.

Devil Eli and Angel Eli are having an argument on his shoulders. Angel Eli says _Clare's a nice girl. You have to let go. She can help, if you let her in._ Devil Eli spats. _**You can't be with her, you don't deserve to. Remember Julia? You're girlfriend. You killed her.**_

Eli's stuck in the middle of the two, listening to their rants. He can't decide who to listen to. He can't decide if he wants to push Clare away or pull her in closer.

His _thumb taps faster_ against the steering wheel.

Devil Eli won. He's going to push Clare away.

But I don't say anything. I let him make his own decision.

**Voice Cracks**

Eli hasn't spoken to anyone in three days. It's safe to say I'm worried.

I can hear him rummaging around in his room during the night. I can hear him moving around boxes and papers. He plays music throughout the night so that Bullfrog and Cece can't hear him crying. But I can hear him cry. All throughout the night I hear him cry. He hasn't slept in three days, I haven't either. Because when Eli doesn't sleep, I don't sleep.

I cake my face up with makeup in the morning, trying to disguise the obvious bags under my eyes. I don't want Cece and Bullfrog worrying about my sleep habits. They need to focus on Eli. They have to make Eli better, and then I'll be better.

He hasn't gone to school a lot the past three days. He goes in the morning, stays for a few periods and then leaves. I see Morty pass by the middle school every 4th period. He probably goes home and sits in his room. He probably plays loud music and cries. He probably buries his head in Julia's old sweater and asks her for forgiveness.

He started hoarding again. It started when Julia died. He never threw anything away. Everything some how connected Julia. His room…I can't even imagine what it might look it. But when he met Clare and Adam, he slowly started to let go. He threw out small things, like papers and rubber bands. But he was throwing stuff out nonetheless.

But ever since the day he kissed Clare, his hoarding picked up again.

"Anastasia, can you come in here for a second?" I heard my mom's voice coming from the kitchen. I set down my homework on the couch. I walked to the kitchen door and push it open.

My mother and father were sitting at the kitchen table. My father's hands were folded on the table in front of him. My mother clutched a white sheet of paper in between her hands. I knew what it was. It was my report card.

"You have two Fs, one in English and on in Math. What happened?" My mother runs a hand through her hair and looks up at me. I walk farther into the room and sit down at the table, across from my mom. I bite my bottom lip and shake my head.

"I don't know." I lie. I do know why I'm failing two classes. It's because of Eli. I'm so concerned about him that I can't concentrate on school. I think my brother's health is more important then a math test.

"Do you need a new tutor?" Mom asks.

"No, No Mrs. Scott is great, mom. I just…I don't know. My dyslexia is just…" I don't know what to say, I stumble upon my words. Mom nods her head. Her eyes wonder down the hall. They focus on Eli's bedroom door. She lets out a soft breath.

"I just need on stable child." Mom whispered.

_A stable child_. If she only knew.

Dad decided that mom needed to get some fresh air. He was going to take her for a walk in the park and then out to eat. I decided that I needed some air also, so a grabbed my jacket and made my way into the hallway.

"Where are you going?"

I look behind me and see Eli leaning against the wall next to his bedroom. He dressed in black sweatpants and a black sweatshirt. His hair is messy and his face looks tired. I bet that's what mine looks like under all the makeup.

"I'm going to the library." I say.

Eli nods and pushes himself off of the wall. He walks towards me and stuffs his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt.

"I heard what mom and dad were talking about. You're failing two classes?" He asks.

I sigh and nod my head. "I guess I am."

"Why?" He asks.

"I don't know, Eli. I'm going now." I place a strand of my hair behind my ear before turning around. Eli reaches out and grabs my wrist. I feel a jolt of pain and a hiss falls from my lips.

Eli turns me back around. He holds my wrist in his right hand as his left slowly pushes up the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I watch as his eyes widen. I look down at my wrist.

The dark red cuts stand out against my pale white skin. I try to pull my hand away but Eli tightens his grip. His thumb runs up and down my wrist, tracing the outline of the deep cuts. I wince at the contact. Both of us are quiet, the air between us is still. The only thing I can hear is Eli's breathing. After awhile, Eli finally looks up at me. His eyes are cold.

"What are these?" His voice is harsh. I shut my eyes.

"They're nothing." I mumble. My eyes are still shut.

"They're nothing?" He says. "They're nothing." Eli repeats. He shakes his head. "You're hurting yourself. And you think it's nothing?"

I pull my wrist away from his hand. I pull my sweatshirt back down, covering my wrist.

"Just tell me why." He pushes his bangs out of his eyes and looks at me again.

"I…" I take a deep breath and meet his eyes. "I'm fourteen years old, Eli. I should be going on dates. I should be hanging out with my friends, if I had any. I should be having fun and being a normal fourteen year old. But I'm not a normal fourteen year old. Do you want to know why I'm failing two classes? It's because all I can think about his how my brother is destroying _his _life. All I can think about his how at any moment my brother can kill himself." My voice breaks and I let tiny tears stream down my face. "I-I shouldn't be worrying. I…I don't know what to do. I just…want you to get better. And sometimes, I just need to forget about everything. So I cut. You hoard, Eli. And I cut."

"Anastasia." His voice cracks.

_Voice Cracks._

He wants to help me. But he doesn't know how.

"I'm leaving." I whisper. I turn around and rush to the door. I push it open and walk outside.

_**Shoulder Squeeze**_

When I came home that night I found a letter resting on my bed.

_I told Clare about Julia. I didn't tell mom and dad about you. You can when you're ready_

_- Eli_

I toss the note on my desk and pull my sheets down. I lay down on my bed and for the first time in a week, I sleep.

The next few days were awkward between Eli and me. We tried our best to stay out of one another's way.

It was dinner time and my dad was talking about his radio show. He was asking my mom about a new band that she had heard of. I pushed around the leafy green substance that was on my plate. My mom enjoyed buying random cook books and cooking everything in the book. Right now she is working on a vegan cook book, which explains the gray blob that rests on the side of my plate.

Mom asks Eli how school was. Eli smiles and pushes up the sleeves on his black jacket as he reaches for his glass of water. He takes a sip of his water and places it back down. He starts talking about a dance that's coming up. Vegas Night. He's planning on asking Clare.

Mom smiles and tells him that she will help him pick out a tux. Eli smirks and tells her that Clare hasn't said yes yet. I was happy for him. Clare knew about Julia and she was alright with it. From what Eli told me, Clare sounded like a nice person. I hoped she is.

Mom stood up and picked up her and my dad's plate. She looked down at mine.

"You didn't eat anything." She said.

I wrinkled my nose. "I'm not a big gray blob fan." Dad laughed and mom rolled her eyes. She walked over to the kitchen sink and placed the plates in them. Dad picked up the cups and walked over to the sink and stood next to her as she washed the dishes.

Eli stood up and grabbed my plate, placing it on top of his. I scratched the back of my neck.

"Eli." I said.

He grabbed our silverware and put it on the plates. "Hmm" He mumbled.

"I'm going to tell then, about me, tonight." I said as I stood up.

Eli looked at me a soft smile spread across his face. He nodded his head.

"Okay." He said.

I turned around and shut my eyes. This was going to change everything. I felt a hand move onto on shoulder. "I right behind you." He said. He squeezed my shoulder.

_Shoulder Squeeze._

He's my brother and he's there for me. Whenever I need him.


End file.
